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As much as I hate to be, I now know I'm totally in love. I keep getting this feeling that I've never really dealt with before. I wake up in the morning, better than I ever have, and I stretch, and this joy comes over me. Two things normally happen: either there's food cooking, or a gorgeous woman in bed with me. Other times, we're giving each other space and sleeping in our own apartments. When she speaks to me in that accent I'm overwhelmed by this feeling of wholeness. I know I don't understand what she's saying, but I get this refreshing, full feeling. It sooths my ears, it's exactly what I want to hear. Just the sight of her moving nonchalant makes me hot. I think I take advantage of her body, as much as I worship that thing, it's just impossible to give as much appreciation to a body likes hers as it deserves all the time.
What I'm afraid of is this huge separation between physical and emotional power. It's the reason I was really happy single. I could do what I wanted to. I'm the type to go around making out with a bunch of girls, but I really do enjoy the feeling of thinking, "I'm going to sleep with you tonight, and then if I want I'll sleep with someone else next week." It's all totally my choice when I'm single. I'm physically and emotionally free when I'm single. In past relationships, I was physically attached, but hardly emotionally connected to my partner, and that made it so easy for me to leave and say, "It's about time!" rather than have to adjust to single life. I was already living emotionally single.
At this point, although I fucked up numerous times, I'm completely submissive to whatever physical or emotional deed this woman wants me to take on, if ever she decided she needed to stand up and show me her true height over me... metaphorically speaking.
I work on her like it's my job. I put her tender heart aside when I'm in control. She keeps her eyes focused and looks me over, and I close my eyes and try to pretend I'm only thinking about how much she's pleasing me, but really I'm trying to give her a show. I want her to watch, and see how my body reacts to her's. And then I tell her what to do. "Open your eyes," "Look at me," "Put your hands on my back." I flex and tighten, all to get her off, and here I am trying not to cum too soon just to watch her try to get me there. I'm always "almost there" for her and the physical stress she's working through, but when we've finished and we've moved on to less sexual ideas, that heart of hers is nothing but clouds and cotton and everything else soft in the world.
I'm not saying I want her to stop caring, but knowing her heart gives my wild tendencies room to breath. I can see it drives her crazy, and I like knowing I can do that to her because it makes her tender heart chaotic. She lets me start and stop as I please, even when she's boiling over ready to finish, she won't let go, and she won't force me to pick up the pace. She squirms and she pants and she asks gently for release, and she holds on tighter to let me know as painful her expression may be, there's something she likes about what I'm doing.
That Superwoman exterior is a slave to the Care bear heart she has, inside, and my own insides and outsides both are waiting for a chance to set fire to anything she gives me that'll burn. And I keep doing that I don't struggle with her, she just gives to me.
Does any of that mean I want discipline? I know I want her, at least. I want to watch her work, I want to listen to her twist her tongue in that foreign way, I want to be under her, and she lets me ruin everything around us, and she won't let go. Knowing that makes me want to do it.
I hate to say Sammie right, but she was right. It's best to just let things go... let this go, because the only person who would feel better, the only person who would have any sense of relief, would be me. I've already been selfish, no need to perpetuate it and what not. I have never in my life decided to dwell on something the way I am right now. But never has that karma come back to me. That's exactly what I get, despite all of that, I still maintain she is the anti-hero that the viewer has seen far too much of her private life, and starts giving hope towards a brighter future for.
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